At the moment. . .

I'm glad to report that Mom is happy and doing great visiting with my Sister.  I love that she is doing well and I love that I'm not the one (at the moment) who is responsible for her happiness.  It's one thing to be responsible for a person's physical well-being, and a whole 'nother thing to be responsible for their happiness.  Caring for someones physical needs is much easier than trying to help someone find happiness in a situation that is foreign and unwanted to them.

I think my Mom liked me much better before she had to live with me. LOL   She tells me, and anyone who will listen, that I am "bossy".  *This makes me smile - I don't know why, but it just does.  Before Mom came here to live lots of people seemed to worry about me and how I would feel spending so much time with her.  The truth is I have enjoyed being around Mom far more than she has enjoyed being around me.  I have simply added her to our "in home" family, made some adjustments, and kept moving.  She, on the other hand, has had a very hard time making the adjustment.  I think she has grown tired of being around me 24/7.  Imagine that?!  I'm looking into an adult daycare facility, which I think we'll refer to as "The Senior Club".  I'm hoping she will be able to go there a couple of days each week to mingle and make friends with people her age.  She needs the independence of being away from me more.

I know I can't make Mom be happy.
I know I CAN try to facilitate more independence for her.

I'll let you know how the adult daycare  "Senior Club" checks out.

To curl or not to curl? That is the question.

(Remember the classic Abbott & Costello comedy skit, "Who's on First?".  I lived my own version of that this week.)

Mom was excited about her upcoming visit to Oklahoma to visit with my Sister, so we made arrangements for some "extras" at the Beauty Shop so she'd look her best during her visit.  She wanted her hair cut.  She also wanted it permed, then styled. She told me so.

Fast-forward to three days later. . . As we were driving to the Beauty Shop, Mom said she didn't want her hair cut, and seemed surprised I had ever had such a thought...We arrived at the shop and talked to the sweet woman who does her hair each week.  "These are the plans", I told the beautician, "forget the haircut and just do the perm, then style as usual".  Mom nodded in agreement.  As I walked across the room to wait, the stylist called to me, "She doesn't want a perm".  Really?

I talked with Mom again, "I thought you wanted to get a perm, Mom," I said.

"No, I don't want a perm".

"Well, do you want your hair cut?", I asked again.

"A little.  A little across the bottom", she motioned.

"And you're sure you don't want the perm?

"No, I know I won't like it, so I don't want a perm, but you want me to get a perm".

"No, Mom, it's totally up to you.  If you want a perm, you get a perm.  If you don't want a perm, then you don't have to get one.  You decide."

She decided on no perm, but to have a tiny bit cut from the length of her hair, then her usual wash, set, and comb-out.  An hour later she looked great and we were on our way home.

We made the drive to Oklahoma on Friday.  She was delighted to see my Sister and begin her visit.  The next evening our entire family gathered for a family birthday party.  "Oh, Grandma", my oldest daughter said, "Your hair looks so nice".

"It would have looked even better if your Mom had let me get a perm", she replied.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

My Sister tells me that Mom is doing great and they are having a wonderful time.  

Saints need not apply.

Yesterday my Grandbaby had a Dr. appointment across town.  My daughter is not comfortable driving the on's and offs of the highway, so I always drive them to this type of appointment, and wait in the car.  Mom and I have done this many times.  We visit and people watch as we wait and the time goes by quickly.  Yesterday Mom refused to go.  I thought that would be the case, but had hoped I was wrong.  Soooo, my husband left work to be home at 12:30 to stay with Mom.  I'll be honest, it annoyed me that Mom would not "roll with the program".  I told her so.

"I know you're angry with me.  I "get" that.  But when you do things simply to annoy me sometimes it affects everyone in the family.  J will have to leave work to come home to stay with yo because you refuse to go with us."

She knew I was aggravated.
I think she was pleased with herself.

By dinnertime she was a little warmer.
My husband told her it "wasn't nice" for her to not talk to me.
She told him she would talk to me when she had something to say to me.

Fast-forward to today.
She has stayed in her room ALL DAY, except for when I call her for meals.  It's like she has imprisoned herself in her bedroom.  I've check on her, asked if she needed anything, and invited her to come into the living room to watch TV.  She refuses.

This may not be the best way to handle this, but tomorrow she has an appointment at the Beauty Shop, so that will occupy most of the day, then Friday we make the drive to my Sister's in Okla.

I'm learning that to be a Care Giver one must give up any notion of perfection.  I'm also learning that some days I have more to give than others.  Some days I navigate from a heart of understanding, then some days I get annoyed because I don't feel like she is trying nearly as hard as I am.  There is absolutely no "Sainthood" on my part, but I do have the desire for Mom to be happy and live her best life.  Some days I can deliver the goods, and some days "not-so-much".

Honestly, I'm glad Mom will be with my Sister for the next month.  That doesn't sound very "saintly", does it? But it's the truth.  I think the break will do us both good.

Sometimes I wonder if I can do this for the long haul.
But like "The Little Engine That Could", my heart says, "I think I can.  I think I can. . .but Saints need not apply."

Outta there!

Mom was discharged from the hospital today.
The nurse went over her list of meds with me,
and then with her.  I brought the car around, she got into the car while the nurse put her suitcase into the back of the car.  He shot me a look then whispered "good luck".  We smiled.

Mom fumbled with her seat belt for a while, and I resisted the urge to help because I knew she didn't want any.  Then off we went in stone silence.  In a bit I asked if there was anything she needed while we were out.  "Toothpaste", she answered.  I stopped by a small Dollar General Store near our house.  She began trying to exit the car before I stopped the engine.  "Do you want to get it or do you want me to?", I asked.  "I'll get it", she huffed.  "Then you'll need some money" , I said pulling $5 out of my purse and handing it to her. (I knew she had no money with her since she wasn't allowed to have any while in the hospital.)  She was in the store for a very l-o-n-g  time, but there is only one door, so I knew she would eventually have to come out the same way she had gone in.  At last she emerged with a small sack in her hands. I assume she found the toothpaste, but I know she found the candy bars, 'cause later she gave one to my daughter.  None for me.  *smile*  I hope she remembered to buy the toothpaste.

She ate her lunch at the  kitchen table with me and my daughter, but didn't say a word unless spoken to.  I asked if she wanted me to make her an appointment for the Beauty Shop between now and Friday.  "You know I do", she snapped.  She finished up her lunch and headed straight for her bedroom where she remained the entire afternoon, except for mid afternoon when she came out to give the Mother's Day gift & card (I had given her yesterday) to my daughter, telling her to give it back to me, as she didn't want it. This did not surprise me one bit.

When dinner was ready and placed on the table my husband called her to dinner.  She refused dinner telling him she wasn't hungry because she had been eating candy while in her room this afternoon.

I knocked on her bedroom door at 7:30 pm.
She opened the door.
"I brought your meds, Mom".
She took them without hesitation.

"Thank you, Jesus!"

All things considered I think the day went well, don't you?!

Mother's Day.

The Alz hospital Mom is in does not allow you to bring anything to their patients. Visitors are not even allowed to carry their own purse into the visiting room.  I hoped today would be different, since it is Mother's Day.  We had bought Mom a new pair of summer pajamas.  I folded them neatly them simply wrapped colored tissue paper around them and slipped a card between the paper and the pj's.  I showed it to the nurses at the Sign-in desk and they gave me the OK.

Johnny and I waited at a dining table for Mom to join us.
A nurse told us she was in the shower but would be out soon.
We watched other families as they visited.  Some visits seemed to be going well
while there were others trying to visit with their loved one/patient who were obviously
agitated and in no condition to yet be put into the mix of the public.

Finally.
The nurse returned to say she was sorry, but Mom didn't want to visit.
The nurse asked if I was "Debbie, the daughter she lived with".

"Yes.  Yes I am", was my reply..

"She says the reason you've not come to take her out of here is because you've
been with some  man.".

Johnny and I smiled and I said, "Yes.  The same man I've been with for 42 years".

I asked the nurse if she would take the gift and give it to Mom for me.
Of course she would

The nurse apologized for Mom.
She felt sorry for me, I could tell.
Johnny also felt sorry for me, he told me so.

No need to feel sorry for me.  Really.
I have my Mom, which is more than my husband and many of my friends can say.
Mom is different, but she's still my Mom, she's still alive, and I still love her.
She's supposed be discharged from the hospital tomorrow to come home with me.
I haven't a clue as to how this is gonna work, but I know God does,
and tomorrow, when the time is right He will reveal it to me.
All I need do is show up!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

All four of my children sent sweet gifts and followed up

with phone calls today.
Being a Mom is a wonderful gift in it's self.

Listening with the heart.

What if,
in the course of a single day,
you lost your

1. Home
2. Car
3. Bank Accounts
4. The freedom to come & go at will

This must be what it feels like to be put into Guardianship.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

I was part of a meeting today at the hospital.
There were three of us present.
Mom.  A Nurse.  Me.
Mom was not happy to see me.
We discussed Mom's med's and the arrangement that she "live with me". 

 She said I treat her like an "Idiot".

"Ouch!"

I suppose that's what it feels like to be the person "in Guardianship".  

Yet to the person who has agreed to become "the Guardian" it's the reality that things must be done to protect and care for the person, even when they hate you for it;  Even when they don't understand and wish you would go far away and leave them alone to fend for them self.  There are no words kind enough and no smiles wide enough to bridge the void when one feels totally robbed of the life they have always known.

Mom will be released from the hospital on Monday.
It's gonna be a l-o-n-g week.
On Friday she will go to Oklahoma to visit with my Sister (for a month) - this has been planned for a very long time, but the timing is very good, all thing considered.

I am gonna "re-think" our situation while she is away.
I'm gonna check into an Adult Day Care Program.  This might be a good thing for a couple of days each week.  Perhaps it would help her to not feel as though she is "under my thumb" all the time.  I'm also gonna make some changes to her room that I feel will make it more accommodating on her return.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

Some days are difficult, but it doesn't make them any less precious.  Documenting Mom's journey is one of the ways I deal with the reality of her Alz's diagnosis, and it's my hope that perhaps it brings some insight and understanding to others who are walking this same path.

Sometimes the best thing . . .

I'm goin' with this today.

You're invited to join me!

Hallelujah!

—used to express praise, joy, or thanks

Daughter and I went to visit Mom this evening and Mom actually consented to visiting with us.  She looked good and seemed quite social.  At one point in our visit she went over to another group of people who were visiting and chatted with them for a bit.  This is highly unusual, but good, behavior for her.  The weight of our visiting rested mainly on my shoulders and I babbled on, being careful to not trip over any subject I thought she would find upsetting.  I talked out our dog.  I talked about the new baby.  I talked about the weather.  I talked about the roses in bloom.  I talked about the mail.  etc. etc.  Mom asked me a few times about when she would be coming home.  I told her I thought it would be in a week, which is what I've been told.  She tells me she likes this place and that the food is good.  She talks about watching TV and visiting with people in the rec room.  Then she shifts mindsets and tells me this place is like jail and it is "nasty".  When I make mention of missing her and being anxious for her to come home, she shrugs her shoulders and rolls her eyes to the side, inferring she doesn't believe what I'm saying.  I ignore it and continue to chat about the warm weather.

It's a mystery to me at what made the difference in Mom's willingness to see me today, rather than the other days she has "refused" my visits.  Perhaps her meds have had enough time in her system to help now.  Perhaps it's the antidepressant they have added to the meds. Perhaps it's answered prayer or a combination of all these things.

Whatever the reason, I.Am.Thankful.

Carnival Games

I have tried to visit Mom while she is in the hospital, but she has "refused my visit"each time, except for once.  On that particular day my daughter and I were both there for the visit.  Mom came into the room, greeted my daughter, looked me square in the eye and said, "I don't want to see you.  I don't want to look at you or to ever see your face again, but I came out [here] because the nurse told me it would look good on my record, and help me get out of here sooner", then she quickly turned to my daughter, asking, "How is the baby today?"

Since that day she has refused all my calls and my efforts to visit.

Today my husband and I went together for a visit.

Once again, when they told her we were there she "refused our visit".
I asked the nurse to tell her I was leaving and ask her if she would visit with my husband.

I left.

Mom did.

He said she looked good and spoke calmly.

She told him she is angry at my sister and I because we have caused her all this trouble.  She says if we had left her alone she would be able to live by herself in her own home, like her friends do.  She doesn't understand she has advanced dementia. She doesn't believe the doctors. She doesn't believe her family.  She doesn't believe anyone who says anything she doesn't want to hear.

I want her to understand what is happening.
I want her to understand that we are all working together to help her live as independently as possible.
I want her to understand that "I have her back".

But, she is ANGRY, and she doesn't understand.
Dementia has robbed her of the ability to reason and understand.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It seems like dementia problems "pop up" much like a carnival game and I am constantly swatting at them trying to fix them as they rear their ugly heads.